Our Journey to Adoption
An Adoptive Families Personal Story ...
By Bev Brander, Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada -- July 2007
When I sat down to write this article I began to realize that although our new daughter feels so much part of our family she has only been with us for three months. Just that one fact is a subtle reminder that this journey has been an amazing time for our family and in some ways it is only beginning.
Our first discussion to adopt a child came up before we had our older daughters more than 12 years ago. Bruce, my husband, always had a desire to build a family through adoption as he had always felt that there were enough children in the world already, some that needed families and we could provide that. My heart was always in being pregnant first and if that didn't work adoption was always our first option. Well we had our first two daughters in 1995 and 1997 and by 2003 that December the discussion came up once more. Coming from a family of four girls I always assumed that would be the family I would create.. so we decided to expand our family to three children. Our friends and neighbour had adopted through the Philippine program and were very happy with the whole process. In January 2004 we began our paperwork, on our own, and completed our dossier by March. Our file was sent over to ICAB in April and by May we were approved, yipee we thought by Christmas we may have a referral.
Our wait turned out to be 28 months long with the long awaited phone call coming to me while I was teaching a group of grade 6 trumpet players in my band program. I never turn on my cell phone while I am teaching but for some reason it was on that day and our social worker was on the phone telling me this was the phone call I was waiting for. I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that that moment could bring. We had a little girl, 12 months old named Jessica who was living at Rehoboth Children's Home outside of Manila. My first thoughts were oh my goodness only one year old, a baby! I was elated and scared all at the same time. I hung up and sat in silence. The boys I was teaching were silent too (for the first time ever) They wanted to know what the call was about so I told them we had been waiting for months for this call and out of the blue, as prepared as I thought I was for this I felt totally unprepared!
I dismissed my class, called my husband to pick up the file after school. I couldn't wait to get home to tell our older daughters Leone and Maria that they had a new baby sister named Jessica! Their confidence in the process carried me through many times when I thought we would never get the call. They always prayed for their sister and spoke about her as if they knew she would be with us one day. They never gave up the wait and that always gave me hope when I felt the waiting was intolerable. I called my parents and sisters and that night we looked over her pictures in celebration.
Bruce and I read through Jessica's story of how she came to be at Rehoboth, who her birth family was and why they couldn't raise her. It was a very emotional night; I still get teary eyed thinking about it. In my mind I knew she was meant to be with us and I was feeling very blessed that we were chosen to be her family. That was a very humbling moment, one that I relive over and over.
The next 5 months were the hardest to wait. Another woman from Canada sent me pictures she took of Jessica at ICAB while they happened to be their picking up their son. That was a sign to me that things would happen soon. I am very grateful for Audrey and the help she gave me when I felt things were not moving along in the process. Eventually after calls to ICAB and our Canadian Embassy we were able to finally travel to Manila. I frequently poured over websites from the Philippines that had information about orphanages and checked the yahoo websites that I was a member of. For the next 5 months we read everything we could about Rehoboth Children's Home. We had joined the Rehoboth Families Yahoo Group website and learned much information about the home where our little Jessica was living. That group was one of those of those signs along the way that helped and supported us. We checked out places to stay, things to do and see and decided that our older girls would travel with us. They took up to researching about the Philippines and it became the subject of projects and speeches that they were to give at school. Everyone was hoping we would get to meet Jessica soon.
Christmas came and went and still there was no word to travel. Finally we had our tickets booked and were confirmed to leave on March 4th, all this getting ready and waiting I wasn't really prepared for what we were going to experience in the next two weeks.
We had a lot of help and advice from from families who had been to the Philippines and from the Rehoboth Yahoo Group that the trip didn't seem as daunting as it would have been in the beginning. Our flights were long but our older girls Leone 11 and Maria 9 behaved like seasoned travelers. I was so grateful our whole family could be part of this wonderful event it made it that much more meaningful. It was always a concern that bringing a new child into a family is at the sacrifice of the ones you already have, but this was not the case. We were all part of bringing Jessica into her new family I was bursting inside with joy just waiting for our moment of meeting Jessica.
We arrived on a Monday night and Friday we traveled out to Tanay to visit Rehoboth Children's Home. We felt very fortunate to share this experience with another family from Australia that were also there to pick up their daughter at the same time, they were great support and comfort to us and hopefully one day we will be able to meet again.
Our rented minivan arrived at Rehoboth's gate, all our stomachs were full of butterflies and it wasn't from the winding trip through the mountains! We got out of the van and I was thinking that we would probably be taken to a room to where Jessica was playing with other children and watch from afar. No sooner than we got out of the van they brought her out to us in a sweet outfit I recognized from pictures, she was even more beautiful than her pictures showed, I just kept thinking she is so little! The girls were beaming and Bruce was trying to get it all on video. As expected she wanted nothing to do with us. The caregivers had been showing her our pictures and having her give us kisses. She knew who we were and that is what made it scary, I can't imagine what was going through her mind. These people show up and kids disappear! We played with her and returned to the house where the other children were and tried to play with all of them together.
It came time to be alone with her again and take her to the guest house so with the help of Mama Josephine (what would we have done without her I don't know) we gave it another try. Jessica cried off and on and I could tell she was very anxious and afraid. Eventually the bonding of our new family started to take place. Jessica fell asleep in my arms after talking, walking, and singing to her. After her nap we returned her to her house for supper and we shared a meal with Fe, Eden, the other family and Jan Drukenmiller. My stomach was in knots and I sure hope they didn't think I disliked their food as I had a hard time eating much. I felt so sad for Jessica that she had to go through all of the separation, even though I knew it had to be. That night she slept with us and to this day sleeps well through the night. As expected when she awoke she was not happy to see us. Bruce and the girls went to spend time with the other children and brought our breakfast up to us in the guesthouse. I knew that tears would eventually disappear and we would win her over but I really hoped it would be before we had to leave that day. The morning passed and Jessica finally decided she would eat breakfast. She kept her distance but I kept in eye contact with each other, I knew she just needed time. We brought along little toys and candy to try to win her over and together with them, songs and peek-a-boo we finally made a connection. I gently picked her up and went downstairs. Bruce had come up to see how we were doing and wondered if I could come and speak with her caregivers about her routines etc. before we had to leave. I was a little apprehensive to walk back into her house where her caregivers were and what her reaction would be. To my surprise, delight, and joy she clung onto me. She smiled at everyone, and showed off my sunglasses to them all. She gave them all goodbye waves and was not too emotional. I think she decided I was ok. This would eventually spread to the girls and Bruce, although it did take time.
I was amazed at how well she was cared for, how loved she felt and how she could show affection. She is above her age level for coordination and physical ability. Her receptive language was excellent, she was so independent. She could feed herself and hold her own cup. She communicates to us everything she needs although the words aren't there yet she knows what she wants.
Our first nights were challenging as bedtime was a tantrum, but she did eventually go to sleep. We spent a few days at a beach in Puerto Galera and she gradually began to come out of her shell and show us her determined personality. Everyday we had challenges to face but they have become fewer and fewer. Our trip home, I tell everyone, was the labour to this birth as I was physically and emotionally drained by the time we reached Canada. We traveled 14 hours to Vancouver with Jessica crying and fussing almost the whole way, and we still had two more flights to get home, they didn't get any easier but when we did reach home it was the biggest relief and comfort I could imagine.
I was so pleased that she attached to me very quickly but she still needed time to get to know Leone Maria and Bruce. I secretly reveled in this mothering experience but longed for a breath. There were times in the first few weeks that I wasn't sure that everything would fall into place. I remember reading somewhere a quote that said parenthood is not for the faint of heart. I would say that sums up a lot. Every week at home Jessica became more settled and comfortable with her new family. Since coming home to Canada we added Sydney to her name and began calling her by it. She responded very well to her new special name and her grandfather Sydney is very proud too. After 3 months of being at home I look at her and can't believe all the changes she and us have endured to become a family. A family we are.
Thanks to everyone at Rehoboth Children's Home for the wonderful care and love they gave Sydney Jessica while she began her life in this world. She was truly blessed to be part of their family. My only wish would be for Sydney's birthmother to know she is being loved by everyone in her family and that we think she is an amazing woman to have made the decision she did.